“Our New Shampoo”        

         

We’re going to create a new shampoo from our laboratory shelves,
We’ll take these natural ingredients and mix them for ourselves:

Now mix some methylisothiazolinone        

To begin our great design        

And some methylchloroisothiazolinone-        

(Like adding bright sunshine!)        

         

We’ll need some phenoxyethanol-        

Don’t want to vex the EPA,        

And hydroxyethylcellulose        

For the dance next Friday.        

         

Pass the PEG-7M and tricaprylate        

And sodium citrate (looks like juice)        

A drop of violet no. 2        

So our hair won’t be chartreuse. (green!)        

         

Now hydrogenated polydecene        

So our hair will have layers in flight,        

Two scoops of trimethylolpropane        

-Be careful, it might ignite!        

         

Add an ounce of pyrithione zinc        

To keep those nasty flakes at bay        

And a smidgeon of polyquaternium-10        

So we’ll shine when we play croquet.          

         

We love the stearamidopropyl        

It makes us feel so good        

And don’t forget the sorbitol        

So our hair will bounce just like it should.        

         

Now maybe some apple pectin extract?        

I don’t know, that sounds too toxic.        

A touch of fluoroquaternary?       

It's better than our arsenic!      
         

Then add some fragrance for the smell        

So they’ll know when we’re upwind        

And then some desodium EDTA        

For body (don't want it thin!)        

         

Squeeze me three drops of citric acid,        

Cut a piece of dimethicone,        

Squirt in FD&C blue no. 1        

So we'll look good on the phone!        

                

A vile of ammonium laureth sulfate        

(Hold your nose, it smells)        

Now hand me a little glycol distearate        

To keep our dry roots jelled.        

         

Two pints of cetyl and benzyl alcohols

For our hairs to have a party        

Then a dash of cocamide MEA        

So our hair won’t look so farty.        

    

This shiny ammonium lauryl sulfate        

Will give our hair that sheen         

And finally, water for the base        

For the ingredients to mix between.   
           

So now we’re done, shampoo, twice rince.        

Wait till they see us now, ha-hah!        

Oops, used too much xylenesulfonate-        

Who's that in the mirror! Us! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!        

         

wbiro  

 
Fun Facts About Your Favorite Ingredients:
methylisothiazolinone- found in shoe polish and paint, was found to inhibit the growth of neurons in lab rats. Hmm... perfect! We don't want any lab rats in our hair!
methylchloroisothiazolinone-  a potent allergen, a very good perservative. Hmm... More = Last longer! 

phenoxyethanol-  is capable of disabling the immune system's primary response mechanism. It can also cause systemic poisoning, headache, shock, weakness, convulsions, kidney damage, cardiac failure, kidney failure, or death. But on the bright side, it's used as a preservative in several vaccines!       

hydroxyethylcellulose- is not degraded by common bacteria (but makes for good tobogganing down the landfill hills!) It gives pseudoplastic rheology and is a viscosifier in brines and saline fracturing fluids (that's oil exploration!).
PEG-7M- minimum order- 36Kg (about 80 pounds). Data sheet- available soon!
tricaprylate- Fats in this Infused Intraduodenally Affect the Postprandial Secretion of the Exocrine Pancreas and the Plasma Concentration of Cholecystokinin but Not of Peptide YY in Growing Pigs. (now these were tax dollars well spent!)
sodium citrate- you can buy this at 600+ popular stores!
violet no. 2- do not use on eyes, lips, or mucous membranes.
hydrogenated polydecene- not only moisturizes the skin, but also lends a silky feel!
trimethylolpropane- a biodegradable lubricant of the formula C6J16O3
pyrithione zinc- also for skin treatment, anti fungal treats dermatitis, psoriasis, more!
polyquaternium-10- a specialty raw material for cosmetics and toiletries...
stearamidopropyl- has partly significant better conditioning properties than cetrimonium chloride!
sorbitol- originally derived from the mountain sorberry, is a naturally occurring sweetener found primarily in fruits and berries...
fluoroquaternary- a Substance in Cosmetics and Personal Care Regulated Under the Food and Drugs Act (F&DA). Nice.
desodium EDTA- also found in hydrating facial scrubs which gently exfoliates the skin without leaving irritation!
dimethicone- Keep away from sources of ignition. Synonyms: silicone rubber, silicone latex, latex, dimethyl silicone, simethicone, dimethyl polysiloxane, dermafilm, silbar, dimethicream, poly(dimethylsiloxane), methyl silicone, dimethicone 350, good-rite, gum, hycar, poly(oxy(dimethylsilylene)). Woah!
FD&C blue no. 1- The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) would like you to be aware of several reports of toxicity, including death, temporally associated with the use of FD&C Blue No. 1 in enteral feeding solutions (feeding tubes). Give me some of that yummy blue stuff, nurse!
ammonium laureth sulfate- a cosmetic detergent that exert emulsifying action, thereby removing oil and soil from the hair and skin!
ammonium lauryl sulfate- foaming agent in shampoos, and a permitted residue on foodstuffs resulting from herbicide application... well, I get it off my apples with my fingernails...
glycol distearate- also used in bath oils, acne treatment, anti-aging treatment, shaving products, foot odor treatment... it is a premium quality fatty acid ester that imparts an attractive appearance to the product! Yeah!
benzyl alcohol- It is used as a local anesthetic and to reduce pain! Also in pharmaceuticals, perfumery, and flavoring! Mmmm!
cetyl alcohol- a moisturizer (like brother benzyl), can cause alterations in the lipid bilayer of the epidermis, leading to irritation. Ouch!
cocamide MEA- booster en la formación de la espuma. Oops! That means it boosts the foam! Wild!
xylenesulfonate- added to thicken a mixture like shampoo, and increase the ability of water to dissolve other molecules. Like you hair! Ahhhhhhhh!
Sorry, got to go to work now. Finish later...